


The Haunting of the Location Formerly Known as The Agency

by Silver33650



Category: Fortnite (Video Game)
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Debt, Fortnitemares, Gen, Halloween, Humor, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied Damnation, Meta, Resurrection, Revenge, Swearing, Venting About Crossovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-11-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:41:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27258106
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver33650/pseuds/Silver33650
Summary: In which Jules has to convince Midas to do Fortnitemares, and then Midas asks the agents to stop by the old Agency for a chat. Now with more jokes. In theory.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 16





	1. Jules Summons a Ghost

Once upon a time there was a rather empty Authority, completely devoid of any mythic weapons for the first time in two whole seasons. And Jules, faced with a rather large problem, decided that this would not do. So when she found her brother's chair while working her part-time job at a new Halloween store, she decided to take matters into her own hands and fix it by performing a dubious resurrection ritual at the top of the Authority. And it worked, as Midas did in fact appear, albeit a bit differently than Jules remembered. 

"It is I, Midas," he announced, "the avatar of wealth, planning, and ambiguous allegiances. I have come to- wait." He looked around. "What the fuck happened here?"

"I brought you back from the dead," Jules said.

Midas frowned at the candles. "With magic?"

"Well, science wasn't working," Jules admitted. " _Yet_. And it was Halloween, so I figured, why not?"

Midas was still confused, but his phone was buzzing quite incessantly, so he pulled it out and checked the screen.

_16 new messages from JULES_  
JULES: Hey bro, Meowscles said you got eaten by a shark? That sucks, hope you don't have long queue times for your next match with the start of the new season   
JULES: He was also really insistent that it wasn't his fault? Seems kind of sus if you ask me  
JULES: I hope you like what I did with the Authority! We got rid of all the Ghost stuff, including the coffee cup on your desk. Don't worry; we ordered you a new Shadow one!  
JULES: Update: there's a problem with the supplier and the new Shadow logo stuff is going to be delayed. Like, a lot. But we have really nice paper cups to use in the meantime.   
JULES: Be careful when you drop here! It's pretty popular again this season. Everybody wants the drum gun lol  
JULES: Wait what did you do to the drum gun? It kind of sucks now  
JULES: Hey can you fix the conference room table? It's still showing the Ghost symbol, kind of weird  
JULES: Bro where are you  
JULES: Simulation theory is bunked, isn't it  
JULES: Uhh I just got the electric bill for the device and it's, like, a lot. Can you take care of that?  
JULES: Hey why did take a loan to buy this place? They're saying we owe payments back through March?! I thought you would've paid in full, because, well, you know. Anyway can you take care of that?  
JULES: The bank is getting very insistent and Chaos Agent used all our excess cash on some kind of aquatic experiment  
JULES: Okay so the bank repossessed the building and kicked us all out  
JULES: We moved to the Fortilla and sunk half of it because we had too many people in the cafeteria at once. You know how it gets on Taco Tuesday  
JULES: So we've been fishing for food and we found this weird fish? On the bright side, we all have gold ARs now  
JULES: Hey I found your chair. See you in a few!  
JULES: Stop reading your texts. 

Midas popped his gum. "Where did you get that?" Jules asked.

"They give it to everyone in hell. Helps prevent people from kicking ass or something." Midas checked for other notifications, but those were the only ones. He sighed and slid his phone back in his pocket. "I can't believe nobody else missed me."

"Well you did flood the island," Jules pointed out. "So can you take care of our financial problems?"

"Is that the only reason why you brought me back?"

"Yes."

"Well unfortunately I am of no help there, as I am a spooky ghost and can no longer turn things to gold."

"Fuck," said Jules. "Well can you at least be a boss here? This place has been dead ever since the Avengers showed up and it's starting to get old."

"Jules, my season is over. If I come back now, people might expect me in the item shop, and you know what kind of hell that will raise."

"But it would solve our financial problems."

"Absolutely not. What's been going on here, anyway?"

"I have no idea," Jules admitted. "There are all these superpowers around the island and they're all either useless or overpowered as fuck. I guess there's some bad guy flying through space to attack the island? Oh, and Tony Stark is working to upgrade the battle buses."

Midas blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah he has a bunch in his garage in Upstate New York."

"The same battle buses that have traveled beneath a literal crack in the fabric of reality, over an active volcano, and through the noxious fumes of a falling star that brought about the end of the universe for two days? Those?"

"Yes."

"Just because some comic book villain is coming here?"

"I guess he's hungry?"

"Then he can go to Durr Burger!" Midas huffed, then took a deep breath. "No, it's fine. It is the nature of the island to change. For example, I'm sure loot sharks have been vaulted now that the water level is back to normal."

Jules hesitated. "Yeah, about that..."

Midas was so angered by this that he spit out his bubblegum and decided to kick some ass after all. 


	2. The squad drops Agency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the agents learn of new benefit elections. Or something.

_Hello Agents,_

_Please report to the Agency for an urgent meeting concerning some very important updates on benefit elections for the upcoming year. That means all of you._ _Including Meowscles._

_Best regards,_

_Midas_

_PS- Especially Meowscles._

_PPS- I've taken the liberty of vaulting all forms of transportation during matches, so don't bother trying to sneak out of this._

_PPPS- That includes the sharks. No funny business._

It was Skye's opinion that this was obviously a trap, but she was outvoted by the other agents since they all wanted to finish their Fortnitemares challenges and obtain the Smash O'-Lantern pickaxe. And so it was that their squad was among the several others that landed at the Ruins on Halloween. 

Skye and TNTina had spotted the same treasure chest from the air and opened it at the same time, finding one (1) green pistol, which Skye managed to grab first. TNTina was thus stuck with the bandages, which did not bode well for their encounter with a Ghostly Ghost Henchman on the next floor. 

Fortunately, Skye was able to distract him by reminding him that TNTina had picked Shadow, and the henchman fired a rocket directly at TNTina while Skye was able to dispatch him with her pistol. And thus TNTina became a spooky ghost. 

Skye reported this to her squadmates and was surprised to discover that Brutus had not dropped with them and instead was in Weeping Woods. "What the fuck are you doing there?" she asked over the comm. 

"Don't worry about it." He paused. "Agent things."

Meowscles, meanwhile, reported that he had found much better loot and was properly outfitted with a blue pump shotgun, a blue assault rifle, a pumpkin launcher, and full shields. Unfortunately, his manner of speech made it quite obvious who he was, and Midas became aware that they were there. 

" _GET DOWN TO THE OFFICE ACROSS FROM THE VAULT_ ," he called. " _THERE ARE CATNIP TREATS._ "

Meowscles was, naturally, swayed quite easily by this prospect and ran there posthaste. Skye, who was still quite certain that this was a trap, ran downstairs as quickly as possible, which meant that she had to eliminate seven Anonymous players and three spooky ghosts. By the time she reached the ground floor, she was completely out of ammo, which did not bode well when a spooky ghost appeared in her path. But it was just TNTina, who was not quite interested in getting revenge just yet. " _Even though you let me die for a green pistol_."

And so the two of them reached the area across from the vault, where Meowscles was enjoying his treats next to Midas, who was strumming a banjo and rocking in a chair. There were also three other spooky ghosts in the room. 

" _Oh hello, Skye_ ," Midas said. " _The updates to benefits is that there are no benefits, unless you become a spooky ghost, and then we'll be offering dental._ "

"What does a ghost need with dental?" Skye asked. 

" _Consuming weapons isn't very good for teeth, even spooky ghost teeth. Isn't that right, agents_?"

" _Yes_ ," agreed the five other ghosts in the room. 

"Right," Skye said. "Also, which faction is the 'we' in this situation?" 

" _Take your pick. No pun intended._ "

"Well last I heard, you were working for Shadow..."

" _Shadow also let this place go to hell, both figuratively and literally._ " Midas sighed. " _Seriously, why did Jules move the helipad to the roof? It's so indefensible. Next thing you know, she'll try putting a boat launch on a cliff. Isn't that right, agents?_ "

" _Yes_ ," agreed the eight other ghosts in the room. 

"Right," said Skye. "But you have Ghost henchmen right now."

" _Skye, it doesn't matter, because this event is going to be over in two days. In the meantime, however,_ " Midas continued, " _you are more than welcome to submit designs for the next iteration of the Agency, provided you are a spooky ghost._ "

Skye frowned. "So... is the meeting over, then?"

" _Well considering you're not a spooky ghost yet, no._ " 

"But I haven't gotten the legacy for a normal Victory Royale during Fortnitemares and want to get that done."

" _That's going to be a problem, because the word of the day is_ futile," Midas said. " _As in,_ your futile attempts to get a normal Victory Royale have no meaning. _Skye, can you think of any other words that start with the letter F_?"

"Ummm..." Skye considered. "Fshark?"

Midas stopped playing rather abruptly and glared at her. " _All right, let's get serious. I'm going to kill everyone in this room._ "

" _Well it's a good thing I'm already dead,_ " TNTina said.

" _Including the ghosts,_ " Midas clarified. 

" _Well, you always were a shitty boss._ "

But before the massacre could commence, Brutus drove a Bear through the walls of the Authority and right into Midas' smug face, bouncing him out into the lake. The agents rushed to the waterside, where Midas was crawling along the shore. " _Fuck_ ," he said. " _When did the cars become driveable?_ "

"That was amazing, Brutus!" Skye exclaimed. "How'd you come up with that?"

"Because the only thing more terrifying than a shark is a bear, Skye," Brutus said. "Now let's get that free pickaxe."

And so the agents killed Shadow Midas, but then had an argument about which of them would get the drum gun, so TNTina ate it while no one was watching. This put the squad at an immense disadvantage, and they decided to try going to Stark Industries to see if Iron Man was still alive. However, before they could check if the vault was open, they were hit by a possessed car doing donuts in the parking lot, and the whole squad became spooky ghosts. They decided to stay in the match to go for a Nitemare Royale, but were thwarted by some skybasing Anonymous player. 

The end. 

**Author's Note:**

> great Fortnitemares or greatest Fortnitemares


End file.
